Heaven By Your Side

Author: Gizelle! (thank you so much for this!!)

      Eilidh opened her eyes and groped for her night table even before her vision adjusted to the darkness. The bright green numbers of her alarm read 2:15 a.m.. She couldn't sleep, she might as well stay up till sunrise. She reached for the lamp and clicked it on.
Soft yellow light illuminated the room.
      Her gaze fell on the picture which rested near the lamp. It was of her and the man she loved.
      "Hey."
      She wasn't at all surprised by the voice for it came soft and soothing. And because she knew it all too
well.
      Eilidh turned from the picture and sat up in her bed.
      "Nicky..."
      He was sitting at the foot of the bed, dressed in his football uniform His blond hair fell near his eyes and caught some of the light from the lamp. It was almost like a halo above his head. Eilidh caught her breath.
She just loved everything about him.
      "Couldn't sleep, huh, E?" Nicky smiled as he pushed his hair from his eyes.
      The bluest of eyes.
      Eilidh avoided his gaze and traced the embroidery of her quilt with her fingers. "Yeah," was all she said.
      "What, no kiss? Not even a smile?"
      She kept silent.
      "Oh, Eilidh!" Nicky tugged at the quilt playfully so that she had none left to trace. So she just had to
look into his eyes.
      But she kept her eyes downcast.
      "Don't tell me you're still angry at me, E," said Nicky in a softer yet still playful tone.
      Eilidh looked up at him. He was smiling back at her with those blue eyes crinkling around the corners.
With those fine little eyebrows doing their "thing".
She loved it when he smiled like that. It always brought a smile to her face as well.
      But not tonight.
      Eilidh took a deep breath. "How can I not be?" she replied quietly. She bit on her lower lip to keep her chin from trembling but before she could stop herself, little pearls of tears coursed down her cheeks.
      After all that's happened... after the past few days... he comes to me now?
      Nicky chuckled softly. "I thought you were done crying, E." He reached into his pocket and handed her a crumpled piece of tissue. "Sorry, this is all I have," he said sheepishly.
      Eilidh didn't take it. She wiped her cheeks with the head of a stuffed toy she had reached beside her.
      I'll never be done crying, Nicky.
      "I see you take good care of the Nixster." He grinned. He had given her the blue bear in a football
uniform when the band had to go on a world tour for a couple of months.
      She hugged the bear close to her chest. "He's good company."
      "Even better than me?" Nicky joked, his eyes crinkling up again.
      She wanted so much to leap from her side of the bed and kiss him. Kiss those eyes. Instead...
      "Yes," Eilidh answered coldly.
      Nicky put a hurt look on his face and clutched his heart. "Ouch, E."
      "At least he's around all the time," she continued hotly.
      With that, he lost his playful disposition instantly.
His face became grim and serious. "Eilidh, you know how this works... I can't do anything about it." He gripped the edge of the bed.
      He doesn't like this as much as I do, Eilidh realized.
      She felt stupid and childish. "I- I'm sorry," she mumbled. "It's just that--". Tears filled her eyes
again. "Why did you have to go away?" Her tears fell on Nixster's head.
      "Why did he take you away from me?"
      Suddenly, Nicky's arms were around her. Only then did she notice that she was shivering. He was so warm and smelled of the soapy clean scent she was so familiar with. Eilidh released the teddy bear and wrapped her arms around the real Nixster. On his shoulder, she sobbed.
      "Sssh," Nicky whispered, his mouth buried in her hair. "Don't blame him, E."
      Eilidh pushed him away, suddenly furious.
      All the pent-up anger, all the hurt... she couldn't contain them any longer.
      "Why shouldn't I? He took you away from me!"
      She leapt from the bed and onto the cold bedroom floor. She stared up at the ceiling. She knew she
would look crazy but she didn't care.
      She knew he would hear her.
      "I hate you!" she yelled towards the heavens.
      "Do you hear me, God? I hate you! You have no right to take him away from me!"
      Nicky gazed at her, pain and sadness evident in his eyes. "Eilidh, please..."
      She lashed out at him next.
      "And you! I hate you!" Eilidh collapsed to the floor, her voice muffled with sobs. "You... left me here..
all alone.."
      Nicky went to her. "I'm sorry... but it's nobody's fault. Please understand." He held her close till her sobs subsided.
      "You know I wouldn't leave you if I had the choice."
Nicky's voice brimmed with love.
      He then carried her and lay her down on the bed.
Eilidh's eyes were closed. But he knew she wasn't asleep. He took the quilt and covered her, making sure she was warm.
      Nicky pondered on whether he should go now. The sun would be up soon and he had to go and meet up with the others.
      "Don't leave me again."
      Eilidh was looking up at him.
      Nicky didn't even hesitate for a second.
      He lay and rested his head near Eilidh's. "I'm here."
      She relaxed and smiled, comforted by his presence.
      "Nicky..?"
      "Hmm?"
      "Why aren't you wearing white?" Eilidh asked softly.
      Nicky made that familiar chuckle. "It's not always like that, E. We can show up any way we want. In the way we would like to be remembered." He stroked her hair. "In the way you remember me."
      "I remember you perfectly." She kissed him softly on his eyelids. "Will you stay with me, Nicky?"
      Nicky touched the tip of her nose with his finger playfully, but his tone was serious. "You know I can't be here always." He kissed her nose and looked deep into her eyes. "I can't keep appearing like this. You have to let me go, E."
      Tears threatened to fill Eilidh's eyes again.
      The look on her face... it was as if Nicky was dying for the second time.
      Nicky took a deep breath. "I know it's going to be hard. But you've got to move on." He smiled. "I'll
always be here, though. I'll be waiting for you."
      Eilidh's tears fell on the pillow. "In heaven?" She tried to smile.
      He wiped her tears with his thumb. "It's wonderful there, E. More than you can imagine." Nicky kissed her again.
      "But no matter how wonderful it is up there, this is heaven for me. Wherever you are."
      Eilidh's face radiated all the love in her heart. All her love for Nicky Byrne.
      "Go to sleep, Eilidh."
      She closed her eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted and sleepy. She could feel his breath by her forehead.
      For the first time since Nicky's death, Eilidh felt warm and safe.
      And loved.
      He was right.
      This was heaven.